More on Forgiveness

The psychology of forgiveness:

ANYONE who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive the perpetrator. There can be no middle ground to this decision: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger.

Holding on to bitterness and anger can cause problems of their own, so if you have ever been victimized, being able to forgive your victimizer is a crucial part of your healing.

I've seen individuals, for example, who have lost a family member because of a crime. The survivors' anger and desire for revenge poison their entire beings. They so focus on what they've lost, and what they wanted the dead person to be, and do, for them, that they completely miss the opportunity they've been given to learn about real love.
Instead, they seem to believe that hatred, even to the point of capital punishment, will satisfy their thirst for vengeance and will somehow bring them healing.

So, with hardened hearts and stiff lips, they say, "I'll never forgive."

And the sad thing is that in wishing to send someone to hell they end up sending themselves there as well.

Forgiveness, however, can be a problem for many people simply because they are not clear about what forgiveness really is. All too often forgiveness gets confused with reconciliation, a larger process of which forgiveness is but one part.

Suppose some children are playing a game when someone hits a ball all the way across the street, and it smashes through Mrs. Smith's living room window.

It seemed like a small explosion, followed by the shrill clinking of bit upon bit of broken glass. Then silence. Her immediate response was a dull shock, void of emotion. Then her conscious mind began to function again. "What was that?" She felt her heart racing. Fear began to grow. She looked into the living room, and her heart sank at the overwhelming mess on the carpet. Feelings of sadness and astonishment mixed with fear and threat in her mind. A primal concern for her life welled up in her. "Is this the end of the world?" Things remained quiet. Her eyes moved to the fragmented window. "Is someone trying to kill me?" She stared at the mess. A feeling of rage spoke from deep within her wounded heart: "Who could have done this to me?"

The children do not run away. They go over to Mrs. Smith's house and knock on the door.

She hears a knock on the door. Adrenaline surges again; her mind struggles to determine the nature of the threat. She hears the whispering voices of children. Suspicious and afraid, she opens the door cautiously.

The children say, "We're sorry, Mrs. Smith. We were playing and we broke your window."

"So that's it," she sighs. She feels relief as the explanation comes clear. Then her heart sinks again at the damage, the mess, and the loss. For an instant, she wonders what might have happened to her if she had been in the room at the time the window shattered. She feels the indignation, and with it she feels the dull urge to throw the hurt back in their faces. She makes a hard decision.

Mrs. Smith looks at them and says, "I understand, children. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. But you gave me a scare for my life. And the window is still broken—you will have to pay for it." (Let's set aside the concept of homeowner's insurance for a moment because this is a story about penance.)

The children say, "OK." They pool together their money, and they give the money to Mrs. Smith so she can repair the window. (Let's set aside the question about whether the children can gather together that much money in the first place. Maybe they have to borrow the money from their parents and agree to pay it back. In any event, they pay Mrs. Smith.)

Now, in this story, there are actually three elements that compose the act of penance.

First is the act of confession: admitting the act ("We broke your window"). The act has to be admitted, aloud, to the person offended, or the entire process stops and no one gets anywhere.

Second is the act of repentance: asking for forgiveness ("We're sorry"). Remember, if the children had run away, they would have avoided their responsibility to repair the damage they caused, and so they would have prevented the process of penance from getting started.

And third is the act of penalty: accepting the punishment ("OK"). After all, a broken window is a broken window, and it has to be fixed. If the children do not pay to fix it, their confession and repentance are really worthless. (For those of you still thinking about the issue of homeowner's insurance, let's say that Mrs. Smith's insurance pays the damages and the children help Mrs. Smith clean up the mess in her living room. In this case their work would serve to fulfill the function of the penalty.)

This concept of penalty opens up many complicated issues about the legal responsibility of the victimizer to the victim.

For example, if a crime was committed, then criminal law should see to it that the victimizer receives a fair trial and just punishment. As for restitution, either the victimizer personally, or the victimizer's insurance should pay, willingly and fairly, for damages to the victim's property or health.

Now, these aspects of criminal law should be unambiguous and without any psychological implications.

But it's in the area of civil law that psychological ambiguity arises. If you sue because of a tort—that is, a wrongful act or injury—then vengeance can be quickly confused with justice. If you are injured to such an extent or in such a way that is not compensated freely by the victimizer, then a tort case may be justified. But if, for example, you trip over a crack in a sidewalk and sue the city for millions of dollars, then you have crossed over from being victimized into "victim anger," and you have entered the dark psychology of greed and revenge.

All of this points to two facts about the psychology of forgiveness: if you cannot let go of your desire for vengeance, you will never find true healing, and you can never be truly healed if you try to force someone else to pay for the cost of your healing.

FRIENDS:
We're not perfect, Father, but we are yours. We're not what we should be, but we do claim your salvation and your grace. We ask you to make us every day more and more into the image of Jesus Christ. We stand amazed that you would have such mercy upon us to forgive us time and time again. Thank you for the immeasurable depth of your grace. In Jesus' name, Amen.

BIBLE CHALLENGE
FEBRUARY 9
Matthew 13:44-58; Acts 19:23-41; Psalms 32; Exodus 24-26
Matthew 14:1-21; Acts 20:1-12; Psalms 33; Exodus 27-29

FOOD:

Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix

15 saltines
2 cups dry parsley flakes, minced
1/2 cup instant minced onion
2 Tbsp dry dill weed
1/4 cup onion salt
1/4 cup garlic salt
1/4 cup onion powder
1/4 cup garlic powder

Dump all ingredients into a blender or food processor and blend until
completely powdered.

To Use: Combine 1 Tbsp dry mix, 1 cup of mayonnaise and 1 cup of
buttermilk.

FUN:

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ya callin' from?"